So, here is a question:
Who are you you, when you let your hair down?
I found out, the other weekend when I drank like a sponge and forgot to check myself mid dinner if it was time for a glass of water...
I drank like I used to live - no rules and in a moment. I had a blast with my friends, yet next morning the voice in my head (when I could hear it through my pounding headache) reminded me to administer full dosages of self-loathing and shame, so I did.
For three days worth.
I don't have the faintest idea why. (To my knowledge no kittens were harmed...) Sure when drunk, I was loud, cuddly and silly that evening, by the look of my shirt, I had spilled at least a cup of coffee. However, I also remember feeling really loved, close and connected with my friends all evening.
So what is there to self-loathe?
What is there to be ashamed about?
When did this happen? When did I become so self-conscious and rigid in my ways, that me getting drunk lead in this three day inner dialogue where I feel such shame. After going back to self-loathing on a third day, I got really bored with myself.
So is this who I am? Is this the way I am supposed to be like? Have this stiff, lukewarm existence, where is no room to relax and even to loose control for an evening with dear friends?
One thing is for sure. That is not at all like me. Well, this was not like I used to be, that is for sure.
So does this mean, that I have become this middle aged boring person, who is more interested in control than having fun? I get that it is not always necessary to get piss drunk to have these revelations, but I am grateful for the insights.
If you have these moments, that you want to let loose a bit, stop being so stiff and concerned and worried. If you want to release the shame and the need for perfection, join us on the Zoom call this coming Monday March 4th at 3pm (CET) - it is time for some healing work and shame-releasing.
Cannot wait to see you on the call.
Much love,
Mari <3
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